Top Ten Cool Things About Being The New Pope
- Newly acquired infallibility makes playing EverQuest a breeze!
- 1.086 billion followers make for an awesome game of Simon Says
- Get to pick a new name… leaving old credit history behind
- Get to answer “YES!” whenever anyone asks, “who do you think you are -- the Pope?”
- 10% Pontiff discount at Pottery Barn
- Can now finalize plans for reviving that Spanish Inquisition thing
- After a night-out on a bender can pretend to be sanctifying the ground by kissing it
- Can finally order a change to the clown costumes the Swiss Guard wear
- Can inspire cries of “It’s a miracle” by pointing at any old smudge anywhere and claiming it’s an image of The Virgin Mary. Oh, wait, anyone can do that.
- Not only can you say your mother was a Saint -- you can make it so!
- Never get tired of the shocked look on peoples’ faces when you joke loudly, “We Attack At Dawn!”
- Riding around in the Pope-mobile perfect opportunity to practice “I’m in a box” mime routine
- Whenever bank sends overdraft notice you can remind them of the infallibility thing
- Get to wear a robe 24/7 and no one thinks you’re lazy
Addendum 5/02/05:
Here are the official winners for Late Show with David Letterman: Top Ten Contest
Top Ten Cool Things About Being The New Pope
| 10. | Can always spot the Popemobile in crowded mall parking lots Jim S., Pittsburgh, PA |
| 9. | Conservative values. Liberal expense account. Jay J., Charlottesville, VA |
| 8. | Always gets preferred seating at any Applebee's Tom O., Marlton, NJ |
| 7. | Free "Get out of Hell" card Michael W., Copenhagen, Denmark |
| 6. | No longer necessary to tip the pizza delivery guy -- just bless him Mark G., Lindstrom, MN |
| 5. | Can now legitimately put "My other car is a Popemobile" bumper sticker on pick-up Randy J., King, NC |
| 4. | Infallibility makes you unbeatable at Scrabble Mark E., Tulsa, OK |
| 3. | Papal robes go for a lot of money on eBay P P., Queen Creek, AZ |
| 2. | Those jerks who made fun of you in high school? Excommunicated. Joe R., Naperville, IL |
| 1. | Same old celibacy, but new flashy gear and bling-bling Ireneo S., Vancouver, BC |
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