Saturday, October 22, 2005
Something To Write About
There seems to be little purpose to having a blog if there isn't something to write about. Well it seems I've stumbled onto a new vane of material for my blog, and one that to tell the truth I'm not all that crazy to be chronicling -- my battle with lung cancer. It is a battle I plan on winning, but one I'm none too anxious to engage in. If you read my last entry you know I was just about to receive the results of a PET scan regarding a suspicious spot that showed up on a chest X-ray back in June, and was rechecked by X-ray in September. I think you can infer the result.
I spent about a day being morose about my likely hood of having a much diminished longevity, but the next day provided a little more perspective and hope. I had quoted in my last entry that five-year survival is about 15%, but in the case of non-small cell stage-one lung cancer -- which is what I likely have -- the percentage is more like 60%, perhaps higher than 80%. What's more, getting past the three year makes for a much greater likely hood of not having a recurrence (I owe Nian for these better-researched statistics).
Before getting the PET scan I was informed the outcome would either be something like virtually 100% cancer or only 5% likely cancer. Leave it to me to get an ambiguous in-between result of something like 90%. So there is still some chance I could dodge this bullet. Normally a needle biopsy would be performed at this stage, but due to the location of my suspicious mass, we get the drama of going under the knife and not knowing until I wake up whether I have cancer or not. To make the experience extra fun, I'll be losing 2/3 of my right lung should the biopsy prove cancerous upon rapid inspection.
Nian has conducted intensive research into my best course of treatment, and I must say I appreciate her efforts. You would think that I would be the one burning up the internet looking for answers myself. But with the doctor's initial word of a 60% five year survival rate (which he only provided at this early stage because I asked), and with a small chance of not having cancer, and with having not yet talked to the surgeon (I have an appointment on Monday). Well... I was just going with the flow. Waiting to see how things go before truly freaking out.
My pending marriage to Nian in November is almost certainly on hold for now. We will still get married, but it will have to wait until I'm back on my feet after surgery. Even the biopsy surgery is likely to slow me down for a couple of weeks even if they don't take most of might right lung. To Nian's credit she insisted I get the surgery as soon as possible and not postpone until after our wedding day. Given this thing's slow growth and tracer uptake rate in the PET scan, four weeks would likely make little difference -- it's already been over four months since we started monitoring this thing. Though she might not let me, I would prefer to make the journey and see China with two intact lungs, and not appear weak, delicate, or easy to tire when I meet her parents.
I have for years now stated "Fantasy" by Earth Wind & Fire and "Maniac" by Michael Sumbello to be my favorite songs of all time. Today I decided I have a new (singular) favorite song: "Beautiful Life" by Ace of Base. I really loved this song when I first got it on Laser Disk, back when I was working much more as a DJ/VJ. I recently archived most of my Laser Disk music video collection to computer and came across this cut and saved it out special in it's own file, the only individual song to get this special treatment. This was about a week before my CAT scan and PET scan, but now it seems some small kind of irony. Today I replayed the file a couple of times, and it gave me a pleasant tingle up the back of my neck each time, the tingle I get when I hear a song I really like. I hadn't yet shed any tears over my present circumstance (which is probably not all the dire as it turns out anyway), but a tear or two leaked down my face as I listened to it. I honestly couldn't quite put my finger on my emotions as the small tickle of wetness touched my cheek -- but they weren't fear or despair. If I had to say, they were some kind of joy -- the joy of being alive and having hope -- the joy of knowing the love and support I'm getting from Nian (damn, there goes another tear or two). And finally perhaps just the joy of listening to a (new) favorite song.
